[LEAKED] : Tips to improve your Corporate Vocabulary

SUBJECT: Corporate Vocab used to the survival in Bangalore IT industry (1/n)

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Hi All,

 It has come to my notice that many of us are not using correct behavior while in corporate environment in Bangalore. Today I will plan to knowledge transfer some tips to help you plan for survive Bangalore IT industry by improving your vocab skills. Along with this mail, please find attached my very humblest and most sincerest apologies to Oxford and Webster dictionary. Let us plan to begin now, shall we?

Point 1: Always use the pointers:- In coding as well as communication, it is highly important to do pointers. Pointers helping managers to understand your situation and plan accordingly to make sure they are more help to yourself. However, no requirement is needed for any punctuations or quotes because that is too complicated and also remember to keep your sentence very long because very longer the sentence the greater the raise in the your next performance reviews.

Point 2: ALWAYS PLAN! :- If anything happens without plan, client as well as customer will be super unhappy. So always plan for everything. Point to be noted, you do not go for lunch, you PLAN for lunch. You do not attend a meeting, you plan for meeting. You must also very kindly plan to use washroom also. Plotting and planning are the best way to utilize company resources to maximum. There must always be a plan. If normal plan does not work out, ask Manager to plan differently. Also keep Tech Lead and other stake holders in CC.

Point 3: Thanks and Regards :- Always put your thanks and regards whether replying to mail or talking. For senior contacting, please to use both. For junior contacting, please to use only thanks because actually also you have zero regards for them. Then why to lie? Paapa Le.

Point 4: Understand the short form :- EOD does not mean "Egg on Dose" you hungry fellow, always thinking of eating aa? It means your boss shall be the angry if you don't finish work by Free Snacks time. PFA, ETA, ASAP,  Vocab, Dev, PQA, TQA, HR, FIN, BU, STL, EPM, PM, SSE, SE, BCC, CC, BC, MC etc all should be on your fingertips just like nineteen one's aa tables. Unmisinterpretation of above short form will lead to escalations.

Point 5: Proper addressification required:- When addressifying one colleague, always start with question like - "What ra XYZ? So busy you are aa?". For example, "What ra Kumar? So busy you are aa? Daily sitting in cafeteria not coming to floor only. You must plan to start working on that project Boss has planned to assign to you, otherwise gone only." Addressify all by first name only. No Sir, no Madam.

Point 6: VERY IMPORTANT- Lightly pepper English with local lingo fillers. Add salt to taste. Words like ra, da, na, dei, lei, maga, macha, putta, Cheta, Anna, Chechi, Akkaw are totally acceptable even with the customer sitting in the foreign office. Also, like those Army fellows in the border movies use Over for walkies talkies na? You use ONLY. For example, "Hello da Mr. Johny Walker! What time it is in USA maga? My cousin lives in your same to same city only!"

It is my extremely strong belief that so much of knowledge transfer is enough for the today. Too much extra shall be a waste of effort and will have lower productivity. We shall plan to continue this after you review this, make High Level Design and come back with Detail Design and Functional Requirements for adding new features to this product.

Thanks and Regards,
Kumar
Lang Skill Qual Exec

PS: PS is not Play Station in your house, it is post script da. Remember OK na?

The Soldier's Wife

Greetings people! The past few months have been really busy! Taking baby steps into the corporate world, learning new stuff everyday, PHEW! Haven't really had any time to myself. After a three month stint in Gurgaon, I'm back to Bangalore again and I shall blog more often. (Ok, I can't promise that.)

So anyways, I wrote this poem in a jiffy. I have hardly put any effort into it but I guess that's fine because I'm not being paid to write, right?

I dedicate this poem to my Mom and to all the Army Wives who are, believe me, mentally stronger than the Faujis themselves. All of us owe you so much! So here goes....

The Soldier's Wife
When the day turns into night,
I put our kids to bed,
Giving them a kiss and a hug so tight,
Telling them it's from their Dad instead.

As you stay up tonight steadying your aim,
In a bunker or crouched behind a wall,
A thousand miles away I do the same,
Praying I don't get the dreaded phone call.
 

The day you were sent to a war torn hell,
In the bathroom i did quietly cry,
Telling our kids that you are well,
Everyday to our angels I lie.

Your letters and calls are what keeps me alive,
I read each word over and over again,
Day by day we do survive,
Praying for your safety in that lawless terrain.

The Army man's job is tough, agreed,
But no one sees the other side,
While you have your regiment and creed,
I have only the honour to be your bride.

I know you think of us too,

While you guard our nation,
When are you coming home on leave?
I'll pick you up from the station.

When your time in field is over,
we might get a posting of choice,
How I wish peace time moved slower,
while we laugh and rejoice.

And as every night I lay in our bed,
I know our life has been rough,
For the worst I am prepared,
Being a soldier's wife, I sure am tough....

 

Time of My Life!

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.
                                                     -Billy Joe Armstrong

I finished college in June, spent almost 3 months in Bangalore and at home, joined my first job two weeks back, yet there was no sense of closure. I had the feeling that I was still a college student. Up until now. As me and my batchmates receive our degrees tomorrow, there is finally a sense of closure to the chapter in my life called SIT Tumkur.

And as the lucky ones get to attend the convocation, I sit here tonight reflecting back on the four years in Tumkur which transformed me completely. College taught me a lot of things ranging from effective excuses to bunk to studying a night before the exam, but most importantly, I learnt the value of friendship, trust and humility.

Fresh out of the shithole of a PU College I studied in (Fellow Deekshits may/may not agree), I was prepared for the worst. I was ready to face failure, loneliness and being an outcast all over again. Thank God that didn't happen. On the first day, as I stood near the Hostel Room Allocation Chart, a curly haired guy walked up besides me with his Dad, realised his roommate's name was "Patri Sai Kireet" and started laughing like it was some joke. This guy, who went by the name Aravind Rao would very soon become my best friend, confidant and brother. Another peculiar fellow by the name of Sushmit Bhattacharjee met us and we became thick as thieves. 

Sushmit and Aravind are like chalk and cheese. Aravind is always the calm one. Mature, intelligent and logical. Sushmit is always the kid, getting hyper about everything happening. Aravind, is by far the most technically brilliant person I've come across so far. He has the mind of a scientist. Sushmit is a debater par excellence and a brilliant leader. Where did I fit in all this blinding brilliance? I was the one who filled in the gap. I was the ligament holding the bone and muscle together (People who know me would've caught the pun).

Of course I met many good people in the four years in Tumkur and have learnt a lot from all of them but Aravind and Sushmit will always be very close to me. Sushmit was the one who carried me to the hospital when my knee collapsed in the middle of Hussainsagar Lake. Aravind saved me from flunking Mini Project in third year and both were there come what may whenever I needed advice, preferably, over a round of drinks at JB or Vyshali. These guys have put up with my shit so much that I owe them more than a lousy emotional post on my blog. I owe them my sanity.

Perhaps, the greatest lesson I learnt from the college and my friends was the lesson of humillity. You don't need to be flamboyant or rich to get noticed. Just be yourself. I learnt to accept people for who they are and not judge anyone but myself and my actions. Every year I matured exponentially, barring the occasions when i was drunk as shit and did some pretty immature things, like hug a waiter in Vyshali for serving the drinks on time.

A novel will surrely be written loosely based on these two jokers and I promise you, I'll do a better job than Chetan Bhagat. And as Sushmit, Aravind and the rest of the gang meet up tomorrow for the Convocation, I wish all of them all the happiness and success in life and hope they miss me as much as I miss them!

Cheers Brothers! Can't wait to meet you guys again!!

Sarva Dharma Sthal

Let me first thank the social media for completely destroying the definition of the word "Secular". The very word "secular" is uttered these days by the opposition as if it is filthier than a "Maa-Behen" abuse. Secular (adj.) is used to describe a person or an organisation which is not connected to a particular religion and is inclusive as well as tolerant to all religions. A person is not secular if he invokes special benefits on a particular religion for obvious political gains. That is pseudo-secular and if unchecked can get our country into a lot of trouble.

Whenever we face a calamity, the Armed Forces are called in to help. Now as our country is being pillaged by politicians across party lines, I urge the people reading this  post to turn towards the Armed Forces once again to see what secularism actually is.

Let me keep my views restricted to the Army, more particularly, the Infantry Regiments. Infantry is the Queen of Battle. Infantry soldiers always form the spearhead of the attack and are the oldest and the most battle hardy arm of the Indian Army today. Our Army has thirty Infantry regiments (in short Inf Regt), many of which were raised during the British Rule and have been seeing action all over the world since the 19th century. Some of these Infantry Regiments are class based like Sikh Regt, Maratha Light Infantry, Jat Regt, etc. Some are region based like Punjab Regt, Assam Regt, Bihar Regt, etc and there are a few 'mixed class' regiments like the Brigade of Guards, Mahar Regt and the Parachute Regiment.

These divisions were done by the British Army keeping in mind that during war, the soldiers at the sub-unit level understand each other effectively, have the same religion and have similar eccentricities. There is also something called as the Martial Races Theory, but let's not go there.

However, Officers are not divided in such a manner mainly because once you become an officer, you are drilled with patriotic ethos and are supposed to consider the safety of your country as your one and only religion. Officers get commissioned into various regiments based on either choice or merit. So you end up having a Sikh Officer in Madras Regiment, an officer from Kerala in the Gorkha Regiment and a Gorkha Officer in Mahar Regiment. Once the officer is commissioned in a regiment, his religion becomes that of the men he commands.

 Let me give you an example of my father. Commissioned in a unit which has predominantly Sikh soldiers, he learnt to respect his soldiers' religion and do whatever his men did. Be it reading scriptures from the holy book or partying like there's no tomorrow. I remember spending most Sundays in our unit Gurudwara listening to the stories of the bravery of Guru Gobind Singh, singing the Ardas and eating in the langar. We have a Guru Granth Sahib in our place of worship at home and I still wear a kadha which was brought from Harmandir Sahib in Amritsar. Similarly, you will see a Maj Abdul of the Gorkhas accepting the mutton "prasaad"(clearly not Halaal) during Dussherra or a Capt Thomas of JAK LI leading his men into a Namaz after a successful patrol on the LC.

The place of worship are unique as well. Mandir, Masjid and Gurudwara are all under the same  roof. Every  week an MMG (not Medium Machine Gun) Parade takes place where men and their families congregate and pay their respects at all three places of worship. A Panditji, a Babaji and a Maulviji singing "Om Jai Jagdish" in the same fervour as the trio leading the whole unit to a namaz is as secular as it gets.

This might sound weird if you haven't seen it before, but the energy and enthusiasm is the thing that keeps these men ready and fit mentally. It is the knowledge that their leader is someone like them that leads these men to believe in him and his orders. Some might find it patronizing and inapplicable to the Civilian world (because I said earlier to learn from them)  but we can try, can't we? From today, let's try calling people who salivate for religious vote banks as  pseudo-seculars of the worst kind, giving out hollow promises every time. Be respectful of all religions, learn about these religions, attend festivals, make friends with Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs and Christians alike. Try to put the nation above and before anything else.

It is time to stop judging and start fixing our country people. Rise up.

                                                                         JAI HIND

Spread the Word

I am angry. 

I am scared.

These are the two emotions that many of us deal with every time a shocking rape is reported in a city. Angry, because we know that we can't do anything about the situation, other than write blogs like these, or rant on Twitter or Facebook. Scared, because of the randomness of the incident. Guess what? It is okay to be angry and scared but it is not okay to only crib about this situation for a month and get done with it. Let's try to do something about the situation.

Step One: Switch off that goddamn television. Watching the same report on the girl from 9 to 5 becomes mind numbing. We sit there with our eyes glued to the television while the reporters repeat each and every excruciating detail of the incident. No one needs that and media just showcase it to increase their TRPs.

Step Two: Educate people. How, you ask? You have a maid at your home? A gardener, a driver, a helper? Or the office boy who gets you tea everyday? yes, talk to them. Tell them about the incident and I'm sure you will be surprised that they didn't know about it! Tell them about the horrific incident. Tell them to keep their eyes and ears open, keep their kids safe. Ask them to teach their children what touch is a bad touch and help them if they come to you with a problem related to this. It might sound like I am a bad person, spreading a scare, but you see, a little fear has some strange effects on humans. It makes us alert to things we never thought would harm us. Also, try telling it in a way that they don't panic and never come back to work again. I'm trying my best not to sound oxymoronic. Maybe I just did.

Step Three: While you're "spreading the word", you will meet two kinds of people, one who may listen to you blabber and think you're some kind of a fool (like you're thinking about me right now) and other who may grasp what you're trying to say and spread the word to others. We need more of the second kind of people. If you work in an organisation, get in touch with your HR and ask them to organise a talk on sexual harassment. Or if you're interested to go into social work, call an NGO which deals with sex education and provides counselling and rehabilitation to rape victims and help them out. Please do something, just don't sit on your backside and criticize the system. If you don't have the time to do the above, at least donate a small amount of your salary to the people who do such noble work.

Step Four: The most important step. RESPECT WOMEN. Do you know how difficult it is for your mother to stand for hours together every day and cook you a meal? Make an omelette on a hot day and you'd be sweating like a swine. Remember, your Mom makes a lavish three course meal in the same weather. Women give a lot, sacrifice a lot for their families. All they ask for in return is love and your acknowledgement once in a while. Dear Men, keep the women in your life happy and safe. You are the alpha male of your family, it is your job to protect your family, not that women can't protect themselves, but that's the least a man can do. Listen to them, hear them out, lift their spirits up when they're down, give them respect. Not too much to ask for right?

I may have bored you with this post but I'm just pouring my heart out. The fact is that I've had it with people treating women like an object of desire or a robot whose job is to run your house and feed your kids. People like these need to be slapped on the face (figuratively or literally) and taught to respect women. It is only then that we, as a country, will progress.

                                                             
                                                                       Jai Hind!

Bangalore my LOVE!

Let me list a few things I love about Bangalore. Fellow Bangaloreans will understand. Other lesser mortals may or may not, but who cares!

#1 WEATHER- To live in Bangalore, you don't require an AC. It comes automatically fitted by the Almighty. For the better part of the year the weather is cloudy with a spot of rain here and there. The only hot months are February to April where the temperature rise to a mind blowing 38 degrees! On those days, you'll see many Bangaloreans cribbing about the weather and the temperatures on Twitter and Facebook. If you're a person living in Chennai or Delhi and are reading this, I'm sure you must be having a good laugh. For lazy people like me, this weather is perfect to sleep, get up, yawn and go back to sleep again.

Pic 1: Typical Blore weather with typical Blore hudugas walking

#2 FOOD- Bangalore's food scene changes faster than our dear politicians change their statements. When I came here in 2004, I knew only Indian food and Chinese food ( And Continental, which i thought was the Baked Beans and Bread served in Army messes). Now, I know places where you get Lebanese, Turkish, Japanese, Bengali, Assami, Tibetan, Italian, Pathani, Afghani, American, Kairali, Mexican, Russian and many many more (Okay, stop salivating). These places aren't really expensive either. You can go have these even if you don't own a BMW. BUT, this is not the best part. The best part about the Bangalore food scene is the city's Darshini culture. Any true blue Bangalore chap will vouch for this. You are staying in Bangalore and haven't eaten in a Darshini till now? Why don't you throw yourself in front of Bangalore-Mysore Superfast, you shameless fellow! Darshinis (like Adigas, Udupi Upahar, Upahar Darshini etc) offer South Indian food which is hygenic, light on the wallet and absolutely yummy. Everybody eats in Darshinis, from the CEO of a company right down to the peon. You have authentic Kannadiga breakfast options like Idli Vade, Masaal Dose, Rava Dose, Onion Dose, Khaara Bath, Chow Chow Bath and so on and so forth. For many of the working people, a day is never complete without a Darshini visit. Okay, now I'm salivating.

Pic 2: This is so beautiful!!

#3 Public Transport- Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corporation (BMTC) is the lifeline of this city. With thousands of commuters everyday, it can get you from one end of the city to the other in as less as 25 Rupees ( less than 50 cents). There are a variety of services available ranging from the old blue bus (Half of which are strangely, Market bound) to the ultra modern Volvo buses in which you can travel if you are a corporate slave or a Po$h person. BMTC is one of the safest bus services in the country. When I say safe, I mean both in terms of safety on the road and safety for Women. Many single women travel alone for long distances in buses daily and have never faced any major difficulties. I agree, there would be a few cases here and there, but it is nothing compared to the DTC where even chubby men get groped just because they have a fleshy chest. I'm only hoping the Metro comes into action soon and then, my city will kick all of your cities' asses.

 Pic 3: My favorite is the centre middle one, where the bus has an extra compartment attached to it.

#4 Chicks- Bangalore chicks are not like Delhi chicks. Bangalore chicks can wear an  old tshirt, torn jeans and chappals from Commercial Street and still look a thousand times hotter than your Delhi chicks in hotpants and mini skirts. Why? Because Bangalore chicks know how to carry themselves. They know guys dig chicks with brain and sense of humor and that's what makes them beautiful everyday. I pray to god that if I ever end up marrying an Indian girl, she should be a Bangalorean. What qualifies you to become a Bangalore chick? (Delhi girls, you can take notes now). Know your style. Know what you look good in and walk with confidence. I  like Bangalore girls because they don't follow the crowd. They make their own fashion statement and don't care two hoots if you don't like the way they dress. Also, they can differentiate between Bob Marley and Bob Dylan, know their poison (You dilliwalas call it daaru), speak atleast three different languages and are not afraid to abuse in these languages. Fiercely independent and smart in a sexy way, the ladies from Bangalore are a class apart! They are a gadget carrying, geek digging bunch of people who will make your day brighter. If you're a single Bangalore girl reading this, I'd love to take you out on a date. Leave your number in the comment box.

Pic 4: Yea baby, that's what I'm talking about

#5 Music- Bangalore has India's best rock and metal music scene. PERIOD. We don't listen to Yo Yo Honey Singh like you Dilliwallahs, we don't listen to Akon and Pitbull like you Bombaywallahs, we listen to Clapton, Dylan, Marley, Sabbath, Floyd, Maiden, Metallica, AC/DC, GnR, Coldplay etc. Every Rock/Metal band coming to India make it a point to perform in Bangalore. Only place in India where the crowd knows each and every song. We aren't unruly like those Gurgaon folks who destroyed the Metallica concert a few years back. We drink beer in our concerts and have mosh pits. \m/ But this is STILL not the best part about the music scene. It is, the fusion of the amazingly melodious Carnatic Music with Western Music. Give a bunch of musically sound Bangaloreans a Mridangam, violin, guitar and drums and you will have the best fusion music you have ever heard in your life. Many friends of mine play various Carnatic or western instruments and a few of them are professional singers too. Hell, once upon a time, even i used to play the drums! And all this just because I was exposed to the music scene in Bangalore.

Pic 5: Divine Raaga, a Banaglore based Folk Rock Band. You should listen to them

These are just few of the many many things I love about the city which absorbs people from all over India and within sometime, they become a Bangalorean too(Honestly, if you can abuse an Auto Driver in chaste Kannada then you ARE a Bangalorean). Each city is good in it's own way. Maybe if I would've stayed in a single place for a long long time, I would've liked that place too. But I have been moving to different parts of the country for quite some time and no place makes me feel more at home than my dear Bangalore. 

Cheers! I'm open to comments and improvements. Please be a bit mild. This is my first serious attempt at blog writing. :)

Here Goes....

Hello Civilians and Faujis alike!

I have been nursing the idea to start a blog ever since I got to know what the internet was. It's nice to have a diary which the world can read but I was too lazy to type, edit and review. For  that, I joined Twitter. Very exciting, very informative and very very addictive. After a few months on Twitter, I have stopped reading newspapers because all the news comes on my TL before it is published. I have stopped watching news on TV because I now believe that there is such a thing called as "Paid Media". Every time a news comes out I believe that there is some Conspiracy going on. I am so addicted to Twitter that it takes quite an effort to NOT stop writing this and go back to staring blankly at my Twitter timeline giggling at the occasional joke or sarcasm doled out by the good people I follow.

I need help.

To stop myself from becoming a "tweetaholic", I have decided to put my thoughts in a more organised way over here. Let me just give you a brief introduction about me and what you, as a reader, can expect to read here.

I am an Army Brat. Over the past 22 years I have stayed in various parts of our country, made many friends, from all corners of India and have learnt that the best gift you can give yourself is to move on quickly. I do just that (Sorry, future girlfriends). I don't hold a grudge against you unless you abuse my country or the troops who protect it. I find it damn easy to laugh at myself and do not hesitate to make fun of people. I'm politically neutral but believe that government should change every 5 years. Hobbies include but are not limited to quizzing, following sports, watching movies/TV shows, traveling and reading. I play decent basketball and football and can give you a run for your money in swimming. Sadly, I suck at Cricket. I am a fan of Arsenal since the days of Dennis Bergkamp and Thierry Henry. Last, but not the least, I am a Telecommunication Engineer.

Too many "I" in the previous sentence right? Makes me feel like I'm bragging. Moving on (See what I did there?) , if you are interested in current affairs, defence and strategic matters, internal security, politics and sports, you have come to the right place. Let me be clear, I may not agree with your viewpoint, but I'll definitely hear what you have to say. You are expected to do the same.
So, this, officially is my first  blog post. There will be many more to come.

You can follow me on Twitter. My handle is @faujibrat

Au Revoir...